Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
