I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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