do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
