just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
