You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
