My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
