I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
