I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
