so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
