Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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