I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
God, I missed his penis.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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