Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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