She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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