omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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