the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you never un-have a 4some
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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