Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
