So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
