I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
