That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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