Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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