the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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