The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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