I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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