god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
