Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
