I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
