eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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