This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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