ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
