I smell stomach acid.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
