toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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