I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Oh god it's open bar.
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