Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
FUCK WHALES
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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