don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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