You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i dont even know how to be here
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
