I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
