I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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