NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
