I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
