why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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