Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
