Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
