In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
