you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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