All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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