Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Randomize
