I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
