There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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