The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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