Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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