That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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