im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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